An Update

Cancer status: In Surveillance 

Present status: reclining in comfy chairs and eating a snack in the waiting room waiting to see my doc 

Yesterday Joel and I drove down to Houston for my next round of tests and scans. Leading up to this day I was mostly focused on the logistics. Getting the kids taken care of, prepping for the days after the appointments, booking the hotel, etc. Not much time to sit and think on what was coming. Even in the car my brain was still in working mode- navigating the trip and our Spotify selection. Listening to Joel tell me random and obscure facts about whatever band and/or song he chose. 

As we pulled into The Woodlands and all the familiar surroundings I was flooded with memories of our first trip here. Once we got to the hotel and sat down it all hit me- the why of it all. Why I did all those logistical things- cancer. My brain finally slowed down and the emotion of it all came out in the form of a few tears that I couldn’t hold back. In between appointments I have settled into an ignorance is bliss kind of mindstate. I don’t know what is or is not happening inside my body and worrying about it isn’t going to change anything so I may as well trust the Lord and be okay living in the unknown. It’s not as easy as it sounds but also I firmly believe that God gives us strength when we need it. But in that moment I felt the weight that a cancer diagnosis brings. 

It’s a weird dynamic in surveillance mode. I’m hopeful and trust the Lord but I am also well aware of the possibility of finding more cancer. One does not negate the other. I hold them both at the same time. So as I wait to see my doctor I am anxious but calm. Fearful but I trust that he has gone before me and knows the results and no matter what they say- He is still God. He will hold me up and give me the strength and wisdom I need for the next steps. 

Updated status: on the road on the way home

The results: 

We are still waiting on a couple of the blood tests that are granulosa specific but everything else looks okay. Assuming that those come back at acceptable levels we will move to appointments every 6 months. 

This is both good and scary at the same time. Longer time between appointments means that the doctor feels good about the path I am on which feels exciting but it also means a longer time of not knowing if there is more cancer growing undetected. 

We have to hold both at the same time. We don’t live in blind optimism but we also don’t saturate ourselves in the what-ifs. We have to hold our faith in God and our understanding of the present reality at the same time. So even if things get bad- God is still in this and we know he uses all things for our good and His glory. If things continue to look good and maybe one day I can be considered cancer free- praise the Lord for that! 

I knew from our last surveillance appointment that relief isn’t what I would feel on the way home. I don’t want to seem melodramatic or like I am not grateful for good news. I remember the feelings of relief when we got this kind of news when my mom was walking through cancer. I felt light and better but I wasn’t the one living it. She and my dad were the ones going to all the appointments, dealing with the everyday burden and reality of cancer and that part is just different. My friends and family hold their breath and wait for my texts on theses days and they breathe out that sigh of relief. I am SO grateful for them and glad that they are in my corner praying for me and literally supporting me in anyway that I need. 

But as for Joel and I- leaving MD Anderson almost feels as scary as going. It is comforting to be in that building knowing that we are being cared for by one of the top cancer hospitals in the entire world and that they are going to do everything the need to do to take care of me. So driving away almost feels scary. Leaving means not knowing anymore for the next 6 months. So it’s an adjustment. 

My counselor explained it like this- cancer is long-suffering. It’s a thorn in the side and maybe one day God will take it away completely but maybe He won’t. 

So we learn to suffer well which means trusting Him with all the different emotions and fears and tests and time between appointments. I think a good way to put is that we are living emotionally regulated. The highs aren’t super high and the lows aren’t super low. Sometimes the lows might dip down a bit but for the most part we are in that center- emotionally regulated- trusting God- grounded but hopeful- part. Not too low. Not too high. I drew you this picture because this is how I see it in my head. 

I am so grateful for everyone who prays for us inside and outside these appointments. The Lord sees and hears you and it’s always so comforting to me! So thank you! And I am so grateful for friends that rejoice when is not bad news! So it’s okay to tell me you are glad that things are good right now. I really do appreciate all the love and care from you all! 

If something changes with the plan I’ll come back and update here. 

I usually take a bathroom selfie while we are here. I included it this time because I think my face kind of says it all. Tired but okay. Walking through it but not defeated by it. It’s hard but it’s okay! I might cry but I am comforted by knowing that the God of the universe is also a God of the details. He will never abandon me. He is holding me up through all of this. All my strength and trust is solely from Him. 

I lift up my eyes to the hills.
    From where does my help come?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
    who made heaven and earth.

Psalm 121:1-2