Not without it’s Hardship

Today’s agenda: 

• Blood draw
• Ultrasound
• Ct 
• Head home 

This morning as we packed up our stuff and got ready to check out of our hotel to head back up to the hospital my anxiety started ramping up. Mostly because of the blood draw. I may be a beast with a uterine biopsy but I do not do well with needles. I have passed out more than once. Just thinking about it makes me want to throw up. But Joel did a great job of distracting me by making fun of himself and I am pleased to report that I only felt a tiny bit woozy after. So— nailed it. 

My doctor ordered several blood panels. Tuesday when I had my first blood draw the results were showing up in MyChart before we even left the parking lot. One of the panels was for CA125 which is the cancer antigen associated with Granulosa Cell Tumors. It was expected to be elevated because it was only 4 weeks ago that I had the tumor removed. The point is to have a level to be able to compare to in the future. Those results came in yesterday and they were high as we expected but for some reason seeing the number- the confirmation- hit us both a little harder than expected. It wasn’t surprising. It was just heavy. The reality of it all- I definitely had or have cancer and my blood is confirming that- just feels sad and heavy. 

I’m 36. Sitting here in the waiting area at MdA- most of the people are at least double my age. I’m not afraid- but I feel the weight of it all. I feel the urge to make sure my kids know how much I love them but most importantly that they know how good God is no matter what our circumstances are. No matter the outcomes of all these tests- God is still good and He loves us more than we could possibly understand. We may not always feel like that’s the truth- but that’s the thing about truth isn’t it— Truth never changes despite how we feel. Life doesn’t feel good right now. But the truth- That God is good- is my anchor through the storm. 

Found Jesus in the MdA bathroom.

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We are now on our way home. While I was drinking my contrast drink for my CT, results from my endometrium biopsy came in and no signs of cancer were found! While this is great news- I am not letting myself feel much more than a small amount of relief. Now we wait on a few blood panels as well as the results of the ultrasound and CT. 

For me, trusting God with my future is pretty simple. The hard part is trusting Him with all of the people I love. Are my kids, family, husband, friends going to be okay if I’m not okay? I don’t want them to hurt. I don’t want them to fear. I don’t want them to struggle. I can’t help but let a tear or two fall from my eyes thinking about it all. But as I think about these questions I remember all of the times I have struggled and that in those moments God. shows. up. So I pray that even if the worst- that God would show up for my family and love them like I never could. Give them peace, hope, comfort, and faith that is beyond understanding. 

………

Joel and I had a good time together despite being there for not so great reasons. We went to the Houston aquarium which, when you live so close to the Dallas Aquarium, is rather lame. We ate amazing food from Lupe Tortilla. We went to the mall in The Woodlands which was like being back in the early 2000s because every storefront was filled. There were stores that I didn’t even know existed anymore like Pacsun and Arie. Joel has basically said yes to my every request but for some reason that did not hold true when I tried to get him to get me a new phone at the apple store. BUT he did say yes to cheesecake! 

The trip was good but we are very ready to be home with our kids (and dogs). 

Thank you all for covering us in love, support, and prayers this week. Love you all so much!